


homesick

by starshipaurora



Series: nolinoideae [2]
Category: Dr. Carmilla (Musician), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: All the Mechs are Autistic, All the Mechs are Trans, Autism, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Eldritch, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mechanization, Mechs-Typical Death, Mechs-Typical violence, Memories, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Second Person, autistic characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28797777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starshipaurora/pseuds/starshipaurora
Summary: waiting for you in the common room is... her.the doctor.she looks surprised to see you twisting and turning behind heavy-blood, but you can sense that she isn’t, really.
Relationships: Dr Carmilla & The Mechanisms Ensemble, Dr Carmilla (Dr. Carmilla) & Original Character(s), The Mechanisms Ensemble & Original Character(s), The Mechanisms Ensemble & The Mechanisms Ensemble
Series: nolinoideae [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111361
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	1. the doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's up folks i know i haven't finished part 1 in this series but i want to share some Noli Lore  
> reading through chapter 4 of "the mechanisms befriend an eldritch horror" will probably help you in understanding whats going on here and who noli is, as well as how they refer to each of the mechs.  
> i'm not exactly sure how long this fic's going to be, but it'll be at least 3 chapters. probably not much more than that. but idk!
> 
> as a general warning for this entire fic: this is a second person pov of a character who was mechanized/turned into an eldritch horror. there's a lot of things that might trigger dissociation, like describing a shifting/non-concrete body, a warped sense of self and personhood, etc. there's also probably going to be some repeating words and echolalia. if any of this triggers you, please take care of urself and maybe find a different series to read!

the aurora is parked on a small planet to rest, while smoke-friend and gunpowder stock up on ‘supplies.’ this is why heavy-blood is not alarmed when the aurora says, “my love, there is someone at the door.”

heavy-blood replies,  _ alright. let them back in. just remind them not to blow up the door like last time. _

she goes back to reading aurora’s manual. it’s handwritten, completely by heavy-blood, with notes and figures scrawled wherever there’s room. heavy-blood is reading it in the warmth of the vents, with you curled around her neck.

you’d wanted to learn more about the ship, and heavy-blood is the best one to ask besides the aurora herself. you reach out a thin tendril and gingerly turn the page. in the middle of a lovely paragraph about plasma cores, the aurora’s voice rings out.

“no, nastya. ashes and tim returned an hour ago. this is... the doctor.”

heavy-blood freezes.

“doctor,” you ask, gently taking the book from heavy-blood’s unmoving hands and placing it on the floor.

“yes, noli.  _ the  _ doctor.” the aurora sounds... strange.

_ she’s... _ heavy-blood clenches her fists and flexes her fingers. she shakes her head. you slither to the floor, bubbling nervously.  _ well. i suppose we should greet her. come on, noli. _

and so you follow heavy-blood as she crawls through the vents, muttering curses under her breath.

\---

waiting for you in the common room is... her.

the doctor.

she looks surprised to see you twisting and turning behind heavy-blood, but you can sense that she isn’t, really. others are here too, warm-copper and inky-hands and gunpowder, standing as far away from her as possible.

_ i wasn’t expecting you to have picked up another crew member, _ doctor murmurs.

heavy-blood snorts.  _ we both know noli is the reason you’re here. _

_ noli, _ she hums.  _ what an interesting name. _

you move a tiny bit closer. heavy-blood looks concerned.

doctor says,  _ did you decide to throw away your old name. _ she fiddles with a piercing on her lip. faking casualty.  _ or did you forget. _

your old name.

you... had an old name. yes. you had one, back on your home planet, back before. well.  _ you _ .

“name.” you inch closer to doctor. maybe... maybe doctor knows it. maybe doctor can tell you things about before. but doctor doesn’t understand you now.

_ i have to say, noli is an interesting replacement. _ doctor is looking directly at your skull.  _ i never would have thought you'd choose that over gaia. _

gaia

gaia.

_ gaia. _

**_gaia._ **

**_GAIA—_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	2. gaia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for the big chunk of Lore
> 
> warnings this chapter for:  
> \- in-depth descriptions of a planet being destroyed and the days leading up to it (mentions of knowing you're going to die, etc.)  
> \- vague mentions of ableism  
> \- mechanization/turning into an eldritch horror, waking up during surgery, death. to avoid reading it, skip the section after "you didn't think it would be so soon."

gaia was the name of your planet.

its moon, ouranos.

you were all going to die, and everyone knew it. gaia was hurtling towards ouranos and it was going to end in an explosive lightshow. there was no time to secure funds to leave, and even if you could, the richest on this backwater asteroid had already taken their ships and fled. the only thing left to do was drink and smoke and play cards and cry.

except for you.

you had always been the outcast.

never able to speak, and with a body that killed its own cells, no one took any interest in caring for you. so for many years you locked yourself away in a cabin in the woods.

you named yourself after gaia, desperate to leave behind all traces of your life before the forest. no one cared for you, so you directed all your anger and resentment towards kindness to the planet.

you took in dying animals, nursed them back to health. you left food out for wandering packs of them, smiling from the safety of your kitchen as you watched them eat, until they got so used to you that they’d nuzzle your thighs when you walked through the forest.

you nourished plants that looked thirsty, set up lights outside so they’d grow even in darkness. a sunny picnic turned into a cool shady meal as trees moved to shelter you. barefoot on the grass, you could almost feel gaia’s heart beating, its soul pulsing alongside your own. you stroked petals and kissed flowers, until they seemed to grow towards you wherever you stepped.

then you found out about the inevitable crash into ouranos.

you’d been tending to this planet for years. no point in stopping just because you were going to die.

the first time your water sputtered coming out of the tap, you took the glass and watered the bluebells in the garden. on your last visit to the shop, you brought home as many pots as you could carry and filled your home with plants. 

even when the water came in drips, you nurtured new sprouts with the droplets. if you noticed you were getting sore throats more often, well.

it must be your symptoms flaring up. nothing more.

the first time you opened the back door to see a wheezing canine and its trembling pack, you ushered them in, trying to make room among the jungle of flowerpots. your oxygen system was only meant for one, but you made it work.

even when all the nearby animals crawled to your doorstep, you let them have room to breathe. and if you noticed you were terribly dizzy most days, well.

it must be because ouranos is so close. nothing more.

on the planet’s final day, the doctor came knocking.

“hello,” she said. “you’re gaia, yes?”

you nodded, taking her in. short red hair, eyepatch, piercings, dark waistcoat, cane. she didn’t look like she was from around here.

“i have... an offer for you.”

she’d sat in your kitchen across from you, surrounded by plants and whimpering animals. you stroked the wings of one as she spoke.

“i’m sure you’re aware of your planet’s fate.” her eyes trailed around your home, an indecipherable look on her face. “everyone here is going to die.”

you said nothing. she rubbed the thick, healthy petals of a lily on the table.

“my name is doctor carmilla. i specialize in, well, immortality.” you looked up at her, wide-eyed. she smiled, and you looked away. “i’ve revived and granted multiple others the gift of a mechanism, a device that resurrects its owner from the dead as many times as necessary. none that survived past the first day have failed.”

the winged creature next to you nuzzled itself into your palm, and you let out a long, shaky breath.

“however, i’ve always wondered if a subject could manage without a mechanical piece. i’ve spent quite a while collecting everything i need. except for my subject.” she smiled again, fangs poking out from her lips. “i know everyone on this planet thinks you’re useless. lacking intelligence. the universe doesn’t need more people who think like that. but i think it needs more like  _ you _ . you’re not what they say you are— you understand what i’m implying, don’t you?”

you nodded.

immortality. a chance to care for gaia even after its people disappear. you’d always felt connected to this place, somehow. to the life that thrives here.

and if you were going to die anyway, what was there to lose?

“i thought so.” she grabbed her cane and stood. “i will be back tomorrow.”

you watched her leave, and you watched her ship take off into the dark sky.

tomorrow.

you didn’t think it would be so soon.

\---

the next few memories are hazy. you’re unsure if they even truly happened.

your home, aflame, ruined. you’re buried under the rubble. ashy vines wrap around you, shielding you from the worst of the destruction. the tap, tap, tap of a cane on half-melted metal. weakly, you grab at it. the vines catch onto the cane and you hear “hm... interesting,” before your senses shut off.

lying on a cold, hard surface, unable to move. your vision is a blur, and you can only make out a slender figure pacing back and forth. with a burst of energy, you loll your head to side. the figure turns. “ah, my apologies. i think i damaged the muscles in your eyes. and hands. and everywhere else. your brain is fine, though. maybe you can keep that.”

pain. agonizing, searing pain. your body feels like it’s on fire yet frostbitten. you don’t feel solid. you don’t feel anything save for pain, actually.  _ “do you want to keep any of your bones? the material i’m using disintegrated your brian. then again, i don’t think the brain was symbolic enough, anyway.” _

something shrieks. it might be you.  _ my question yesterday was hypothetical, of course. something’s drawing me towards... the skull. _ the shrieking is all you hear.

\---

the next time you could be present in your new body, you were floating next to the doctor, facing a destroyed gaia. chunks of ouranos floated freely in the atmosphere.

the doctor held out a hand. she was smiling, but an emotion you couldn’t place shone from her eyes. you weakly reached out a tendril of your body and wrapped it around her hand.  _ i can’t say you’re a failed experiment. but i could have done better. _

you churned and broiled and twisted. she watched you for a while.

_ i did my best, i suppose, with what i had. _ she sighed. a long breath.  _ when you died under your house, you were holding this. _ she held out a pot. a lily of the valley.

slowly, you enveloped the flower into yourself. all at once you felt a heartbeat, a soul, a life inside of you. it was familiar. it was the lives of the animals and the plants and the soil and the rock and everything alive that had vanished when ouranos hit.

it was gaia.

you were not gaia anymore. now you were... nothing. now gaia was this plant inside of you, the last living remnant of the planet.

by the time you turned your attention back to the outside world, the doctor and her ship were gone.


End file.
